About me

Hi all out there, this blog is for whomever wants to read it. I am a mom of 5 beautiful children, i am in a relationship and live in the Netherlands. I can not really say that i am a huge “Fan” of Michael Jackson, i’d like to see myself als great silent admirer for the person he was and still is. Some out there might see it as the same thing, well i think differently, i am not the typical fan with a collection of all the memorabilia, records or stacks of magazines collected, as a fact the only thing i have right now is his music on my iTunes and my Youtube channel. 

Ok you know what, let me start at the beginning, how i first heard of the great man. I think i was about 9 or 10 years old, my parents had split up and were in the middle of a nasty divorce, yelling and screaming at each other, always arguments and in all of that i was in the middle of it. Every other weekend going to my mothers in the beginning, tho after a while i wanted to live with her and so things were turned around. I was really torn between the two of them. Let me just say that my childhood was not all that fun. 

So i remember that it was like May 1988, i was the weekend with my father and his new entourage and i was celebrating my birthday so it should have been around the 3rd of May. Back then i wasn’t really a fan of anyone or anything, i spend most of the time in my room listening to music and stare out of the window or play with the stuff that i had. What i do know was that when there was a song of Michael or the Jackson 5 on the radio it trigged me more than any other songs. Just know that at 9 or 10 years old my english could not have been like sublime so half of what was sang i could not even understand since i am Dutch as well. 

I just really liked his voice, the melody’s and the way that he sang. Of course back then i didn’t know that it was the feeling that was put in the songs i felt so at ease with. As i think of it right now i recall that the fist time i heard of Michael was with the “We are the World” i know i was really small and liked that song very much, more the melody i think tho, but that song was stuck in my head all the time.

Well like i said i was celebrating my birthday and i don’t recall me asking for anything in particular because i didn’t really want anything that bad. I’d rather had my mom or dad take me to the movies or anything or just spent some time with me but ok, was a rough time. So there i was with this gift in my hands and when i opened it up it turned out to be the “Bad” album. I was so happy and thrilled about it, not sure if it was the album or that it was because my dad gave it to me due to that he never in my live gave me anything. There for the first time in my life i had something that was for me and for me alone, and i felt that i had to be very careful with it so i wanted to put it aside so i could enjoy it later when everyone had left. I took it in my hands and started walking toward the other side of the living room and my foot got stuck behind the carpet that was on the tiled floor. I tripped and saw the record slide out of the cover and hit the ground sideways, broken! I picked it up and it looked like someone took a gigantic bite out of it.

I cried, i was devastated and on top of that my father started yelling and screaming at me that i had to watch where i put my feet and that he wasn’t buying me a new one and it was all my own fault, on my birthday! I took the record and the cover and ran upstairs to my room and stayed there the rest of the day. I tried to play the record, or at least what was left of it, i think i have continuously heard the last 4 or 5 songs that were one there. The next day i had to ga back to my mother cause the weekend was over and i had to explain what happend there and i was so not looking forward to that. And that is how i remember him hearing for the first time.

Broken Record…

So as off that day that when my “Bad” album broke i had just a few songs to listen to and of course the radio stations which continuously played his songs. Throughout the years i never really like followed him on the foot. I mean i knew that all of my friends had tons of magazines and tabloid stuff they could read and rip out the posters that were in  the middle. Besides the fact that i didn’t care about it much i really didn’t had the money either to spend it on. Eventually, in the end my broken record was played so much there were all scratches on it and got stuck in between songs and i had to say goodbye to it.

There was one thing i spend money on at that time, i went a dozen of times to the movie theater to see “Moonwalker” it was and still is on of my favorite movies, i could say that i was pretty hooked on it back then. Tho i can’t remember how often i went there, there was a point that i could dream it haha the life of a growing teenage girl right. Well since i stated earlier that i didn’t got the money to spend on such things… well just don’t ask how i got it cause that is one thing in my life i am really not proud of. Just know that it involved my evil stepmother and that is all that i am saying in shame. Besides my room and my best friends house, the movie theater was another place for me to hide when i needed to run during that time my parents were divorcing.

I do recall that in my teen years i was listening to “The new kids on the Block” pretty often too, a typical boyband which in my guess pretty most teenage girls in half the world listened to it. I guess i must have been around 15 or 16 that time. Not really sure tho but i might had up some posters of “Jordan Knight” on my wall because he was just too cute and i got them from my best friend because she didn’t like them at all, she was more of a “Gloria Estefan” kinda girl. 

Well as i grew up my childhood was really messy, torn between two parents, not knowing what i wanted in live, left school early (big mistake) and by the time i was 17 i ended up living with my boyfriend and his parents cuz i didn’t wanted to be home anymore. Still during this years all i had was the music on the radio at times and that was it. Of course my english was much better and his songs meant a lot to me. I understood them so much better and was able to place emotion in the songs, i kinda like to think that i felt what he was singing. And of course in the years i’d watch video clips of him when they aired them on the music channel. Not sure where or when but i remember once seeing the “Speed Demon” video for the first time while it was already released a long time ago, but that video did it for me. The only thing i’d wanted really bad at that time was to be at one of his concerts one day, tho i knew that was never going to happen.

I am not sure how i got it but somewhere in those years someone gave me the Jackson 5 album, the picture record one with the glove and the poster inside. This time i was gonna make sure nothing would happen to it and put it in display where nobody could touch it. And to be really honest besides the music and the complicated life i lived my head wasn’t really into any artist. Of course i loved listening to his music more than other artists, my interest in such came much later.

Well moving on into the years i ended up with the break up of my back than boyfriend after 8 months. He was the love of my life and i never got over that break up. I needed to leave him and his parents home and searched for a place of my own. After that i got myself in so much trouble, making the wrong choices and hanging with the wrong kind of people, messing up my job and ended up pregnant. I didn’t had any money, i had a rental room which in the end i could not afford anymore cus of me losing my job. Eventually i needed to go back home with my tail between my legs and beg my mother to help me since i was left alone to deal with my problems. And of course my Jackson 5 album moved back with me and had a special place in my room back home.

My realization…

So now i was living with my mother again and my stepdad and I learned around that time that Michael was going to give some concerts in Amsterdam in June and i thought that was probably the only time i could have attend at least one. But thinking about it was something else than actually doing it since i was back home, pregnant at 18 years old with no money. My life really sucked and for real even if i did came up with the money i was due in august, so imagine me standing in the middle of the crowd with an 6 almost 7 month pregnant belly, nah i don’t think so. Sadly i had to pass on trying to acomplish that and watched it on the tv as the event occurred.

I don’t recall if i have seen the full concert on tv or just snippets on the news and music channels. I remember that there was like this Michael Jackson week on TMF where there were all video clips of him and prizes to win so you could attent the concert and stuff. And for the first time in my life it hit me what kind of crazy life this man is living in. Sure i knew he was pretty famous and that girls would stand in line for him but i learned that not only the girls were standing in line, i mean litterly everybody would get crazy over seeing him. All the clips came on and that was the time i really started to know a little bit more about Michael Jackson since i had not seen all the video clips the man had made and like i said before i didn’t really follow him on the foot but the way they showed snippets of him doing concerts, shows, and just walking the street made me realize that this man was bigger than life itself. 

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6_RdWUCNHl0&w=640&h=360]

I mean, sure i did know that the man was huge, but still, huge doesn’t even begin to describe what i saw and realized. Girls just fainting and screaming, fans going beyond craziness but all i could think of wondering what he must be feeling. And since i started to pay a little more attention it came to me that there was allot of negative stuff out there as well , things like the “OMFG” stuff and then if you think rational, long and hard about all those things and it just couldn’t be true what they were writing about him. But ok back than i was just another person having her own two cents of thoughts, i can remember that i found it hard to watch people trash him down while he gave the world so much, than again i was not the person to judge someone that i knew so little of. 

After the concerts there were of course the aftermath videos of him visiting Amsterdam and news coverage of his concert. I was just shocked how far things could go, shocked at the amount of security people he had with him, and that was a good thing, without them he could not have survived. I watched it really with tears in my eyes how fans around him obsessively screamed and tried to touch him or grab him, pushing and pulling, i was so ashamed and i havent even been around there. He just did it and turned Amsterdam upside-down, from what I’ve learned even the security and police here were not prepared for what was coming. What got stuck in my mind was what people were thinking. Of course i do understand what fame means and that a loud crowd who loves your music or whatever about you likes comes with the territory, tho even he must have had his limits, from what i saw some would go really nuts to the limit of possesivly crazy. Still up to this day i can not understand that behavior, and that makes me think of creating maybe a topic about it.

After seeing that i was so glad that i wasn’t a part of it, don’t get me wrong, over the years i deeply fell in love with his music, his artistic ways of creating things he loved to create, i admire what he has accomplished in live, i adore what he does for the world, what he does for the people without having to have something in return. I just didn’t fell in love with all the craziness around it, but i was not someone that needed to have all kinds of stuff to enjoy his music, like i said earlier i grew in to be a silent admirer of his music and the things he created and gave to the world. The only things i purchased of him were a couple of music cd’s to listen to.

Do i regret not going to the concert, honest, yeah in my heart a small part of me will always regret not seeing him perform once live in front of my eyes. Would i have done it differently when i could do it all over again, nope, i would have made the same choice i guess, still wasn’t going to be n the middle of a crowd with a belly the size of a few melons, but then again if i could do my life over with the knowledge i have now, my life would have been so much different. But that is easy to say right now, right!